Okay, this one's from The Lakewood Scoop via Jacob da Jew
I'm sure by now most of you have seen that ridiculous note telling that poor Lakewood lady to cover her knees better. It reminded me of a few things from my previous life as a good Christian girl, which basically means that it brings up thousands of pissed-off memories involving hypocrisy and general stupidities. However, of all those fantastic thoughts, there are only a few pertinent ones and so here they are:
Where I went to university, spring not only brought flowers and sunshine, but it also heralded the tzuniut-dress debate. As my school was run by Christians taking cues from Third Reich manuals, those rants would show up the only place they could: the Forum Wall. (In itself an abomination, the Wall was the only place for students to express ideas anonymously and without fear of disciplinary action or the knowing glances of your newly-judgmental peers.) Invariably, as soon as the weather got warm some dipshit would tack up a diatribe on spaghetti straps and loving your spiritual brothers and helping them not to stumble by covering up. And then another boy would talk about seeing girls in short skirts, sunning their legs on the quad. And then another would scribble something about necklines (no cleavage ever on campus, by the way -- no one but me ever showed tit, you know) and pretty soon every girl was in winter clothes again, miserable and sweaty, while the boys would run back and forth to intramurals, to the dining hall, to the library -- shirtless and glistening.
All I could think was What the fuck?! – why were we expected to do all the dirty work for them? Our boys couldn’t handle seeing us in shit that showed our knees or collarbones and so the obvious answer was to make us cover them? What about working on controlling your own damn selves? Where was the self-improvement, the spiritually-driven bolstering of the soul, the strength drawn from your religious texts and deep faith in a force that could overcome all temptations or trials? I mean, there are men who send me pictures of them creaming themselves over my neck in that profile picture – should I always wear a turtleneck on the odd chance that one man out there has some kind of trachea fetish? This is to say nothing of the horrible sexism here, as there is that loudly silent dismissal of the fact this might be something boys should also do for women. Sure, you can tell me that men are more visually stimulated, but I think you’d be hard pressed to find a girl who’s never bitten her bottom lip or swallowed thickly upon catching a glance at a man playing skins basketball or a guy in a well-fitting oxford. What are we supposed to do then, because no one is telling men to make themselves as unattractive as possible -- or maybe they are. Maybe this is why most frummy men keep themselves the way they do: food all over their shirts, wrinkles, ill-fitting pants, the pube beard, the lack of hygiene. Maybe it’s their way of saying "Hey ladies, don’t worry - I got this one. I’m going to uggo myself up a bit so you don’t throb all day long thinking of me pulsating between your thighs."
No? I didn’t think so. At any rate, after so many springs at university, I snapped. I wrote a scathing commentary on the collective stupidity of our males, the rampant oppression of rights, this mockery of morality enforced by a pathetically patriarchal coloration of the Bible and the shocking lack of responsibility on the part of HALF the campus -- the half with cocks, no matter how shy and underused they may have been. However, in true douchebag religious fashion, it was torn down within minutes because extremists always move in that way to cover up reason or understanding because that just reeks of tolerance, and any idea of tolerance moves a society closer to the middle. I just wish that people would understand that a moderate society isn’t such a bad thing, that there’s a way to remain unique while being loving. My college needed to learn that, and so do those Lakewood Jews.
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2 hours ago
5 comments:
Loved this post.
And I thought we were the only ones who did hypocrisy and general stupidity:).
Ok, you need to chill the eff out. That guy - while acting inappropriately and misguided-ly - had only the best of intentions. What he did is a little creepy, but I can see the innocent sweetness in it all the same. He genuinely wanted to help her, and point something out to her that she couldn't see for herself.
Second of all, I don't know where you're getting your Othodox education, but you seem to be lacking in a lot of major areas. Tzniut, modesty, is for BOTH men and women. In ancient times, Jewish men wore robes as well as women; it has only been in the last century or so that men began to wear pants (and even now, Chassidishe men wear a "gartel", or sash, around their waists, to symbolize the divide between the lower and upper parts of their bodies, and the different uses and appropriate times to use said body parts). Many Orthodox men - ESPECIALLY in the so-called "hypocritical" communities - will never wear shorts, sleeveless shirts, t-shirts, jeans, etc. They uphold for themselves a strict code of tzniut, just as much as the women do. And I take sincere offense at the stereotype that Charedi men are dirty and unkempt. While I do see some of those, I see many more men who are clean and modest, as befitting a man of faith - not to mention the Talmudic prohibition of men wearing dirty clothes in public, as it is shameful for a Talmuch Chacham (scholarly man) to be seen that way.
Tzniut standards vary greatly from community to community, but in Lakewood a very strict one is considered the norm, and it is only fair to respect their views - much as you would wear a head covering while visiting an Arab country, for example.
I don't know how long you've been Jewish or religious, but it is unfair of you to blacken the good name of Orthodox Judaism as often as you seem to. You wouldn't have converted to Judaism if you didn't see something good and special in it; it's not only the Modern Orthodox who care about thier religion.
At the start of this post I was spitting mad - now I'm just sad for you. It's very easy to fall in to the Modern Orthodox Charedi-bashing mindset, and it's a pity that you seem to have fallen so soon. There are problems and issues with all factions of Judaism. But it is upsetting to see a Geiyoret, a woman who converted, which is never easy, a woman who we as Jews are supposed to treat with extra care and respect, neglect to show the same respect to Jews who happen be more religious than she is.
Ariella: I disagree with most of your points, especially that men also have tzniut standards. They certainly have very strict dress codes, but those have nothing to do with tzniut.
A: you really are fantastic, you know that? Hours of enjoyment for me from your comments, and I say that without even a hint of mocking. The thing is, you are laboring under a backbreaking load of misconceptions.
First of all, what you're getting here is my internal monologue. Most times, especially for groupthink-oriented communities like orthodox jews, what one really thinks gets smoothed out and polished in order to preserve the group identity. It's not exactly hypocrisy, it's more a kind of pick your battles, give and take situation. When you assume that I rock the boat like this in my daily life, you'd be wrong. In fact, if you ever met me you'd be shocked by how polite and sweet and aidel and tzuniut and perfect Jewish 20something I am -- and a lot of that is **because** I converted. I converted; it's an open admission that I want to be part of this group and I'm willingly subjectig myself to their rules.
Now, that being said, let me make it clear that you overstep your bounds when you accuse me of "lacking" in my Jewish education. I really don't want to be rude, but you can shut the fuck up about that right here, because you have zero idea about the program I went through or who I converted with -- you'd shit twice and die and then beg ME to explain shit to YOU. Ideological differences can exist even when one considers hard data, not to mention that I'm kind of trusting you people to understand what's tongue in cheek more than x, y, or z. Like, obviously I don't think all charedi men are filthy manbeasts -- it's an exploited stereotype, get adept at picking out those literary devices because I assume you're going to be reading foe the rest of your life and I'd hate for you to miss the humour in things because you were too busy setting all of us jokers on the straight and narrow.
That absolutely sucks that those assholes took down your note.
And Ariella, there definitely is major hypocrisy in the Chareidi world. True men are expected to wear respectful clothes, but for women it's much more than that; their sleeves and slits define who they are, how religious they are etc... Many (I hope not too many) rabbis tell women that their ikkar avodas hashem is tznius. The issue of modest dress goes way beyond any particular fear of seduction - it is used as a tool to keep women marginalized and unimportant. I don't mean by stifling their sexuality, because men's sexuality is similarly stifled, but rather by attaching unsane importance to this relatively practical concern. It says that a woman is nothing more than a temptress, and her main task in life is to not interfere with the important work of men.
Let me be clear. I think women (and men) should not be dressing sexy and I defintitely sympothize with some men (and women, apparently) who, with one small glimpse, can be reduced to heaving beasts paralyzed with lust. But, the fervor with which society enforces tzniut, exceeding by miles that generated by other sins and crimes, betrays a nasty attitude. It defines women by their clothes, reducing to them to maniquins in a store window.
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